As a therapist, my inbox often contains heartfelt, sometimes desperate, pleas from parents. These are parents who love their adult children deeply, who see them struggling – perhaps with anxiety, depression, career uncertainty, relationship issues, or a general sense of being adrift – and they believe, often quite rightly, that therapy could help. Their desire to alleviate their child’s pain is palpable, and I want to start by saying: I see you. I understand your concern comes from a place of profound love and a natural instinct to protect and nurture, no matter how old your child is.
You’ve watched them grow, you’ve celebrated their triumphs and soothed their hurts. Now, as they navigate the complexities of adulthood, it can be agonizing to witness them in distress and feel powerless to “fix” it. You might think, “If only they would talk to someone, they would feel so much better.” And you might be right. Therapy can be transformative. It can provide tools, insights, and a safe space to explore challenges and foster growth.
However (and this is a significant “however”), there’s a crucial element that must be present for therapy to have even a chance of success, especially with adults: the individual must want to be there and be willing to engage in the process.
This is where things can become incredibly challenging. You see the potential for healing, but if your adult child doesn’t see it, or isn’t ready for it, pushing them into a therapist’s office can unfortunately be counterproductive, and in some cases, even detrimental.
The Uncomfortable Truth: Why Coerced or Pressured Therapy Often Fails
I’ve sat across from many adult children who are in my office not because they chose to be, but because a parent, partner, or even an employer insisted. While the referrer’s intentions are almost always good, the outcome is often far from ideal. Here’s why:
The Therapeutic Alliance is Key: The cornerstone of effective therapy is the “therapeutic alliance” – the trusting, collaborative relationship between the therapist and the client. This alliance is built on mutual respect, openness, and a shared understanding of the goals. If an individual feels forced into therapy, they often enter the room with resentment, suspicion, or a sense of obligation. Their guard is up. They may see the therapist as an extension of the person who pressured them, rather than as their own ally. Building that essential trust becomes an uphill battle, if not an impossible one.
Lack of Intrinsic Motivation: Therapy isn’t a passive experience where a therapist “fixes” someone. It’s an active process that requires self-reflection, honesty (even when it’s uncomfortable), and a willingness to try new ways of thinking or behaving. If the motivation to change isn’t internal, the client is unlikely to do the hard work required between sessions, to be truly vulnerable, or to implement any strategies discussed. They might attend sessions, nod along, but the engagement is superficial. It’s like trying to push a car with the handbrake on.
Resentment Can Deepen Issues: Forcing an adult child into therapy can inadvertently breed resentment – towards the parent who pushed them, and sometimes towards the therapist or the therapeutic process itself. Instead of becoming a safe haven, the therapy room can feel like another place where they are being controlled or misunderstood. This can make them even more resistant to seeking help in the future, even when they are ready.
Autonomy is Paramount for Adults: Adulthood is, by definition, about self-governance. Your adult child needs to feel in control of their own life decisions, including those about their mental health. When parents try to orchestrate therapy, it can feel infantilizing to the adult child, undermining their sense of agency and competence. This can inadvertently worsen feelings of inadequacy or frustration they might already be experiencing.
Confidentiality Concerns (Perceived or Real): Even with firm assurances of confidentiality, an adult child pressured into therapy might worry that the therapist will report back to the parent. This fear, whether founded or not, can prevent them from opening up about the very issues they need to discuss. They might censor themselves, making the therapy ineffective.
It Can “Poison the Well”: A negative, forced experience with therapy can lead your adult child to conclude that “therapy doesn’t work” or “therapists don’t understand me.” This can be a significant barrier if, later in life, they genuinely feel ready to seek help but are put off by that initial damaging experience.
So, What Can a Concerned Parent Do?
It’s an incredibly difficult position to be in – to want the best for your child and feel your hands are tied. While you can’t force them into genuine therapeutic engagement, you are not entirely powerless. Here are some more constructive approaches:
Express Your Concerns Lovingly and Openly (Once or Twice, Not Repeatedly): Choose a calm moment to talk. Use “I” statements to express your feelings and observations, without blame or judgment.
- Instead of: “You clearly need therapy! Why won’t you just go?”
- Try: “I’ve noticed you seem to be having a really tough time lately, and because I love you, I’m worried about you. I’m here for you, and I wonder if talking to someone neutral, like a therapist, might offer some support or new perspectives for you.”
- Focus on your concern and love, not on a diagnosis or a demand.
Share Your Own Positive Experiences (If Applicable): If you’ve benefited from therapy yourself, you could share a little about your experience – not as a lecture, but as a personal anecdote. “When I was struggling with [X], I found therapy really helpful for [Y].” This normalizes therapy and models it as a proactive step.
Offer Information, Not Ultimatums: You could say, “If you ever did consider talking to someone, I’d be happy to help you look for resources, or you could ask your doctor for a referral. But it’s completely your decision.” Leave any leaflets or website addresses in a visible place, but without pressure.
Respect Their “No” (or “Not Yet”): This is the hardest part. If they say no, or they’re not ready, you must respect that. Pushing harder will likely backfire. A “no” today isn’t necessarily a “no” forever. Readiness for therapy often comes in its own time, sometimes when things feel particularly difficult for the individual.
Focus on What You Can Control: You cannot control your adult child’s choices, but you can control your own responses.
- Maintain your own well-being: Seeing your child struggle is stressful. Ensure you have your own support system – friends, family, or your own therapist. This will also model healthy coping strategies.
- Set your own boundaries: If your child’s struggles are negatively impacting your life (e.g., constant financial requests, emotional outbursts directed at you), it’s okay to set loving but firm boundaries. This isn’t about punishing them; it’s about protecting your own well-being. Sometimes, experiencing the natural consequences of their inaction (within safe limits) can be a catalyst for change.
Keep the Lines of Communication Open: Focus on maintaining a positive relationship with your child, separate from the issue of therapy. Let them know you love them and are there for them. Sometimes, just knowing they have a supportive parent they can talk to (without immediate pressure to “fix” things) can be incredibly helpful.
Recognize an Emergency: It’s crucial to distinguish between general struggles and a genuine crisis. If you believe your adult child is an immediate danger to themselves or others (e.g., expressing suicidal intent, engaging in severe self-harm, posing a threat), then immediate intervention is necessary. This might involve contacting emergency services or a crisis mental health team. This is different from pushing someone into ongoing therapy for general well-being.
The Seed of Change Must Be Planted by Them
Think of therapy as a journey that your adult child needs to embark upon because they feel the pull of the destination – a desire for relief, growth, or understanding. You can point out the path, perhaps even describe the beauty of the destination, but they must choose to take the first step and continue walking.
My hope is that your adult child will, in their own time and in their own way, find the support they need. Your continued love, patient understanding, and willingness to support their choices (even if it’s the choice not to attend therapy right now) will be far more influential in the long run than any amount of pressure. Therapy’s door, for truly effective work, only opens from the inside.