As a psychologist, I often see clients who are exhausted, anxious, and feel like they are constantly failing. They aren’t lazy or unmotivated; in fact, they are some of the most driven people I’ve met. They are caught in a trap, one that I call the “Perfectionist’s Heptathlon.”
The heptathlon is one of the most demanding events in all of athletics. Competitors are tested across seven distinct disciplines over two grueling days: the 100-meter hurdles, high jump, shot put, 200-meter sprint, long jump, javelin throw, and finally, the 800-meter run. The winner is not the athlete who is best at any single event, but the one who achieves the highest total score across all of them. The event is a masterclass in balance, strategy, and resilience.
Now, imagine a heptathlete who believes the only way to win is to not just be the best overall, but to break the world record in every single one of the seven events. They would need the explosive power of the world’s greatest sprinter, the grace and vertical leap of the top high-jumper, the raw strength of a champion shot-putter, and the endurance of a specialist 800-meter runner.
It’s an impossible standard. The training for one event would compromise the ability to excel in another. The body and mind would break under the strain. This, right here, is the metaphor for the perfectionist’s life.
The Impossible Pursuit of Seven Gold Medals
Are you trying to be the world-record holder in your own life’s heptathlon?
Career: Being the most innovative and productive employee.
Parenting: Raising perfectly behaved, high-achieving, and happy children.
Fitness: Maintaining a flawless diet and a rigorous exercise regimen.
Home: Keeping an immaculately clean and organised household.
Social Life: Being the perfect friend, always available, always engaging.
Partnership: Being the most romantic, supportive, and exciting partner.
Personal Growth: Constantly reading, learning new skills, and self-optimising.
Individually, these are admirable goals. But when you demand a gold-medal performance in every single event, every single day, you set yourself up for failure. This mindset is rooted in three cognitive traps:
Perfectionism: This isn’t the healthy striving for excellence; it’s the relentless pursuit of flawlessness. It’s a standard that is always just out of reach, ensuring you are in a constant state of “not good enough.” It’s the belief that you must be the best in every discipline.
Dichotomous (Black-and-White) Thinking: This is the tendency to see things in absolutes. If you aren’t a complete success, you are a total failure. If your house isn’t perfectly tidy for guests, it’s a disaster. If you get average KPI’s at work, you’ve failed your career. In the heptathlon of life, it’s believing that anything less than a world record in an event is a catastrophic loss, ignoring the valuable points gained from a strong, personal-best performance.
Obsessive Thinking: When you’re constantly failing to meet your own impossible standards, your mind gets stuck in a loop. You replay mistakes, ruminate on your perceived shortcomings, and are plagued by intrusive thoughts about all the things you “should” be doing better. This is the mental exhaustion of constantly calculating how you can possibly win all seven events at once.
The Wisdom of the True Heptathlete
A champion heptathlete doesn’t aim for seven world records. They aim for their best possible total score. They know their strengths and their weaker events. They strategically allocate their energy, knowing that over-training for the javelin might sacrifice their speed in the 200 meters. They celebrate a personal best in the high jump even if it’s not the best jump of the day, because they know those points contribute to the overall victory.
This is the shift we must make in our own lives. It’s not about lowering your standards to mediocrity; it’s about applying them wisely and humanely. It’s about trading the fantasy of perfection for the reality of your own, unique context.
How to Train for Your Personal Best
If you recognise yourself in this pattern, it’s time to change your training plan.
Identify Your “Podium” Events: Not every event in your life can have top priority at the same time. What are the two or three areas that are most important to you right now? Perhaps it’s your career and your health. Or maybe it’s your family and your mental well-being. Acknowledge that other areas may need to be “good enough” for a season. You can’t train for a marathon and a powerlifting competition simultaneously.
Define “Good Enough”: Challenge that black-and-white thinking. What does a “good enough” performance look like in your lower-priority events? Maybe a “good enough” dinner is a healthy frozen pizza on a busy work night. Maybe “good enough” housekeeping is a tidy living room and a messy bedroom. Give yourself permission to earn points here, not necessarily win the event.
Focus on Your Total Score: At the end of the day or week, look at the whole picture. You might have been snappy with your partner (a poor performance in the “Partner” event), but you nailed a major project at work and managed to get a 30-minute walk in. Instead of obsessing over the single failure, acknowledge the points you put on the board. This is self-compassion. It’s recognising that you are a whole, complex person doing your best in a demanding, multi-event life.
True success isn’t about being flawless. It’s about balance, resilience, and the wisdom to know where to put your finite energy. Stop training for seven separate world records. Embrace the wisdom of the heptathlete: strive for a personal best in the context of your life, and celebrate the magnificent total score of a life well-lived.